For those skeptical chaps and lads who claim that there is no guy in the sky, this exemplary tale should provide a moment for reflection.
Humankind never knew how close it was that day to total anihilation. God had a lot on His plate, that morning.
-FUCK THIS SHIT, REALLY ! I AM GOING BACK TO NARNIA!
Gloria looks at Him, half in disbelief. It looks like God is about to lose His marbles. Again. His thundery voice turns Heaven into a windy and highly unstable place. Anything but heavenly, really.
- Yes, Gloria, I mean the Winter Palace, and I mean it RIGHT NOW. Call them, Gloria, please, and let them know to make the necessary arrangements for my arrival...
God is visibly tired. In His inmortal kind of way. He looks depressed as well. Gloria, God's executive assistant and devoted lover, looks at Him with affection, as if gently calling for a little patience and common sense.
- Oh, my God... but what on Earth has happened now?
- What has happened, you ask? I am furious... FURIOUS! This is what has happened. I did not feel this furious since Sodoma and Gomorrah, by golly... I really need a break, Gloria. I cannot take no more of this Goddam shit, I swear to G... I mean, to Myself... Please, Gloria, shall you take care of all heavenly issues while I am away at Narnia...? I am in need of a break. I fucking deserve it.
Gloria does not answer immediately. She never does. She wisely times her reactions in order to contain God's raptures of fury. If Heaven is still a relatively peaceful place, it is thanks to Gloria's diplomatic handling on all godly affairs.
- Don't you give Me that glorious look of yours, Gloria... I am just fed up with those morons... I am done with Mankind. Listen to me, I cannot get even one more millennium of that shit. I am through with those... assholes...!
Gloria looks Him in the eye (well, yes, literally) with her "no bad words" look, as if telling Him off.
- Yes, assholes, Gloria, I mean it!
- Please, Honey... do me, and yourself, a favor... do not pronnounce those words again... - Gloria asks, finally - Besides, I remind you, a swearing God is something utterly pointless, not to say pathetic... Gods should always refrain from swearing, Dear. If anything, gods are used by people on Earth to swear in their names, not the other way around.
Gloria has a pair of beautiful, glorious eyes, and a silhouette capable to awake the senses of even the most angelic spirits. Both her regard and her demeanor are always serene. When she is not around to sooth God with her infinite charm and beauty, sharp intelligence and cheering humour, He becomes easily grumpy and thundery. If Mankind has avoided destruction by the hand of unforgiving divine fury, to this day, it owes it largely to Gloria's intervention.
Three hurrahs to Gloria in Excelsis! Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!
- Sorry, dear, of course you are right, you are always right. I will try to keep my cool. But it is hard, it is hard...
- Com' on... You are God... Nothing should be that hard for you... Let me tell you once again, Your Highness: You are simply too demanding. Your creatures do what they can... They are clearly limited by their own... uhm... limitations... Yes, their own limitations, that's it...
Gloria is, perhaps, together with Brigitte Bardot, Caterine Deneuve and Juliette Binoche, one of God's Most-Accomplished-Creations-of-All-Time. She places a beautiful, slender hand on God's left cheek, affectionately. She can be so damn lustful when the opportunity requires it...
- Hey... don't misunderstand me, Almighty. I love it when you get mad. You look powerful and sexy. Mmmm... Old Testament type... revengeful and punishing. I damn like it, by God, it turns me totally on, and You know it..! But now I must remind You...
- ... Yes, dear Gloria, I know, I know... You ask me to be calm and that's alright. But don't tell me this is normal. it is not. I am so disappointed with Mankind...
Poor God. He looks genuinely worn off, as if He had gone through several exhausting eternities.
- Just look at the poor devils...! It took them more than ten thousand years to build their idea of civil rights, and now they are letting these crappy politicians to dismantle everything in less than two decades... And you ask me to be calm...!
-Yes, Almighty, this is exactly what I am asking you...
-...but where is the sense of community, the ideals for the common good? Where is the left, by Mysake...? You know how challenging was hard wiring evolution into my creatures... How can I remain calm now while I watch this civilizational setback happening before My own divine eyes? My design is collapsing, dammit, can't you see that?
Gloria adopts a scholarly demeanor. She is proud of herself and her abilities to handle God.
- Take it easy, Your Almighty... You, better than anyone, know that everything flows from a moment of chaos to the next moment of dissolution... Come on, YOU designed it yourself! "Enthropy", you named it... And let me remind you at this point that you seemed quite satisfied after you were done, remember? What could you expect from enthropy, but a winding road filled with some progress and an awful lot of failures? To me, your design is still beautiful, specially as seen from here, of course.
- Yes, yes, Gloria, I know you are right. You know, I am so happy I made you. What I would do without you...! If you were not here to stop my hand, I believe I would have sent these scoundrels to their bloody and painful deaths several times now...
Then, He ponders a bit and asks:
- Tell me... Do you think I could have done this better? What the hell did I do wrong with them? Do you see any flaw in my work?
- God almighty...! You ask me some questions, My Lord...! You are the perfect One here... Do you expect me to correct your divine creation? My functions are restricted to keep your agenda and prevent your bad temper from terminate de world prematurely...and... Well...
Gloria looks sensually and adds with a velvety voice:
-... And if I am allowed to say, some delightfuly kinky sex as well... But now that you ask me... Yes, I believe mankind could benefit from some changes... maybe it is not too late, after all...
-Like what, Gloria? Please enlighten me...
God tries to stick to the main subject, but His lover's reference to their sex life has fired some desire on Him. Gloria continues her train of thought:
-Well... Have you ever noticed that the most lucid members of Humankind are plagued with doubts? Conversely, the most stupid ones are precisely the ones that are more fanatic and never question themselves...
-Doubts, Gloria? Do you mean doubts about their faith?
-No, Dear Lord... Nobody has much faith in religion these days, if you allow me to say... I meant doubts in general, doubts about everything. The natural skepticism that is the privilege of truly smart people... The sharpest tend to question things...
-You are right...
-... and well, Gloria. This characteristic is a good thing in itself... It made possible the development of science, for instance...
-... yes, but on the other hand, so much independent thinking hinders people from congregating around one fixed idea and make it develop quickly... Constant questioning slows down the whole process...
-Yes, Lord, this is exactly my point. If you want an idea to spread quickly, a preacher who preaches fear of punishment to a brainless herd will do a much efficient job than a handful of independent thinkers.
-You are so clever, Gloria... This explains why these scoundrels did never make real progress...... Instead of worrying about their well being and uplifting their community standards, they have been obsessed with Me, so fearful of my punishment... No wonder how war and the greed of a few prevailed...
-Yes Lord...You thought this little twist was very clever at the time of creation... But maybe it was not such a great idea... the fear of You sparked the flame of individualism. In short, right wing thinking gained the ability to organize itself around the idea of fear, while lefties were framed by the right as naive hippies...
-It is true... I have never noticed that, but I reckon your description is accurate. The result of it is that the brightest guys are hindered by self doubt and second thoughts, while the rest are a mass of morons who act blindly following their faulty brains without ever thinking that they might be wrong...
-Exactly, Almighty... No wonder things are not going so hot on Earth.
-And what now, Gloria? I am tempted to destroy the whole damn thing and start over, giving more attention to these details I overlooked before... Tabula rasa, Gloria! What do you think? I feel young again!
-...
-What, Gloria?
-My God... You men, even in divinal version, are so blunt. If You ask me Dear, I would just rewire the newly-born brains, or souls, or whatever You call it, with a new predisposition for empathy, peaceful dialogue and community-oriented action. These scoundrels, as You call them, just need a little help. Just reprogram the new babies and allow ten or twelve generations, and You will see what your Mankind is capable of.
-You are miraculous indeed, babe. You know what? Cancel the Narnia arrangements. I stay here. Let's have some quality time, you and Me, what do you think? That dress of yours is making me crazy, truth must be said...
- Thank You, my Lord. You will make me blush...
- ... and tomorrow I will start thinking in the rewiring. Or after tomorrow... Hey, if God cannot procastinate a bit, nobody can.
Sándalo Naranja
